Wednesday, February 29, 2012


When I started studying composition, I became infatuated with the idea of mastering music. Music Mastery drove me, it was a beast that needed taming, and I was the man to do it.

I have stepped back from composing for a time, because I am asking myself why? Why compose? I feel like no one cares, and it doesn’t do anything. (I am not looking for some half-hearted reason where someone tells me that they care, (I’m not exactly sure what I am looking for. (Just know that this isn’t a ploy to manipulate people into telling me that they care about my music.)))

When I say it doesn’t do anything I mean this: I recently built a headboard for me and the Mrs. and loved doing it, I loved creating something with my hands, the smell of the saw dust, hammering that wooden harlot into submission, and at the end, I have something to show for it, something that is being used, and holds my books.

When I compose there is no practical application to my music, I slave away, surrender my whole mind to conquering another piece of music. Only to what? Try and get it performed? Submit it to a competition only to hear nothing back. What’s my endgame here? I mean, i don’t write music because I want it to sit in a folder on my computer.

But here is my problem, I am shy, and timid. I hate putting myself out there, because I am never good at talking to people right away, and I hate asking people for things. The idea of introducing myself to a group of musicians and asking them to play my music literally paralyzes me with fear

And here is my enigma: my desire to write is waning, because I see no results in writing, but trying to get musicians to performs my music literally paralyzes me.

The only real solution is to break out of my shell, and stop surrendering myself to fear.